Thursday, January 06, 2005

Kick-Ass Chicks in Film - women who I find cool in flicks:

Uma Thurman - The Bride -"Kill Bill Volume I & II"
Carrie Ann Moss - Trinity - "The Matrix" trilogy
Mila Jovovich - Alice - "Resident Evil" and "Resident Evil - Apocalypse"
Michelle Yeoh - Yu Shu Lien - "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon"
Ziyi Zhang - the other cool chick - "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon"
Kate Beckingsdale - Anna Valerious - "Van Helsing"
Angelina Jolie - "Lara Croft -Tomb Raider"
Sigourney Weaver - Ripley - "Alien", "Aliens" etc.
Jamie Lee Curtis - Laurie Strode - "Halloween" etc.

Favorite lines from "Kill Bill" - Uma first waking up from coma - beating the shit outta Buck: "Your name is Buck and you like to Fuck" - reading his keychain: "PussyWagon.... You FUCKER" - and then WHAM - she bashes his head with the door - can't get any better than that ;-)

Inspired by a story about a guy from Cleveland who is suing "Fear Factor" (NBC) for $2.5 million because he watched an episode where the contestants ate rats - and it caused him much distress and nausea.

Dear Lawyers:

I would like to request legal counseling and representation for the following mental anguish I have suffered over the years:

When I was a little girl, my mom read me a story called "Hansel and Gretal". As a child, I thought it was ok to shove someone into a hot oven if they were pissing you off and trying to eat you and/or your sibling. I therefore tried to cook my mom, a couple of my friends, and this really annoying babysitter when I was about 8 years old. Not that they tried to eat me - they were just really pissing me off.

My mom also read me a story about a talking Gingerbread Man. Now, every time I walk past a bakery, I scream and vomit. Cookies should not talk, nor should they be portrayed as such.

I also convinced my sister at a young age to let her hair grow down past her ass to her feet so she could toss it out the window and I could attempt to climb it. I nearly strangled her on a few occasions, and she hates me to this day because of it.

And how grisly is this:
"The wolf lifted the latch, the door sprang open, and without saying a word he went straight to the grandmother's bed, and devoured her. Then he put on her clothes, dressed himself in her cap, laid himself in bed and drew the curtains."

I mean, it's one thing that he ate the old hag, but did he have to dress in her CLOTHES?? What kind of a sick, twisted, talking animal would perform such a travesty! Because of this, I now have a fear of night caps, thank you very much!

And here is why salt causes me mental anguish on a daily basis:
"The cook had to salt them, and the wicked queen ate them, and thought she had eaten the lung and liver of Snow White."

I also hate frogs, dogs, pigs, jigs, wigs, goats, moats, geese, girls, boys, men, women, children, people, and Mother Nature.

Due to the graphic nature of that stories, I would like to sue the Brothers Grimm for one BILLION dollars. I don't care that they are dead.

Thank you for your prompt attention to this matter.

Monday, January 03, 2005

While we were at my dad's on Saturday for New Year's Day, my 7-year old nephew, Dominic decided to take some plastic cups (there were only about 6 left in the whole house) and build a tower, which then morphed into a puppet. He taped them all together and drew a face on the top one, and he taped it so that the top cup moved, like a mouth. Then he put one of my dad's dirty old socks on the bottom - and wallah - instant puppet. So this kept him occupied for awhile - putting on puppet shows, etc. Well, Anthony, my 4-year old nephew, decides to be a terror and proceeds to want the puppet, too. So of course, Dominic won't give it to him - after all - he made it... so Anthony decides to punch the puppet - and it breaks. So my sister and I play "doctor" (not in any visually appealing way) and have to keep taping this mountain of cups over and over again. And this goes on for what seemed like HOURS! My Point: of all the toys these boys got for Christmas...and of all the toys at my dad's - they're fighting over a plastic-cup-dirty-sock-tower (that my gramma said looked like a big wiener - thanks for the visual, grams).

And of course there was only one measly cup left to make Anthony a puppet - so all he ended up with was a cup-in-a-sock.

Next year, I now know what to get my nephews for Christmas....cups...and used socks....