Dear Lawyers:
I would like to request legal counseling and representation for the following mental anguish I have suffered over the years:
When I was a little girl, my mom read me a story called "Hansel and Gretal". As a child, I thought it was ok to shove someone into a hot oven if they were pissing you off and trying to eat you and/or your sibling. I therefore tried to cook my mom, a couple of my friends, and this really annoying babysitter when I was about 8 years old. Not that they tried to eat me - they were just really pissing me off.
My mom also read me a story about a talking Gingerbread Man. Now, every time I walk past a bakery, I scream and vomit. Cookies should not talk, nor should they be portrayed as such.
I also convinced my sister at a young age to let her hair grow down past her ass to her feet so she could toss it out the window and I could attempt to climb it. I nearly strangled her on a few occasions, and she hates me to this day because of it.
And how grisly is this:
"The wolf lifted the latch, the door sprang open, and without saying a word he went straight to the grandmother's bed, and devoured her. Then he put on her clothes, dressed himself in her cap, laid himself in bed and drew the curtains."
I mean, it's one thing that he ate the old hag, but did he have to dress in her CLOTHES?? What kind of a sick, twisted, talking animal would perform such a travesty! Because of this, I now have a fear of night caps, thank you very much!
And here is why salt causes me mental anguish on a daily basis:
"The cook had to salt them, and the wicked queen ate them, and thought she had eaten the lung and liver of Snow White."
I also hate frogs, dogs, pigs, jigs, wigs, goats, moats, geese, girls, boys, men, women, children, people, and Mother Nature.
Due to the graphic nature of that stories, I would like to sue the Brothers Grimm for one BILLION dollars. I don't care that they are dead.
Thank you for your prompt attention to this matter.
posted by Joanne @ 1:41 PM
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