Not For the Faint At Heart (All About IUI)
I haven't posted in awhile, but this was too tempting NOT to post about it....Ok - I have to share a teeny bit of TMI - if you don't mind. If you do... stop reading.... (but can you really stop now that I've built such suspense?).
I've gone for 4 inseminations now (over 2 yrs of trying to get pregnant - 6 months of fertility treatments thus far).
The first month, a nice, elderly nurse named Sandy did the honors - insert speculum...insert "the goods"...withdraw ...done. (the closest DH will ever get to a three-some - hehe).
The second month, the doctor did the honors - same thing... a quickie - done (the closest I'll ever get to a 2 guys-n-a-gal)
Last month I went solo ... my first one-on-one with another woman.... Nurse Nancy (I can't remember her name - so I'm making one up) had a little bit of trouble clamping on to the ol' cervix. Said it was "posterior" or something. But nonetheless - she clamped...did her thing... all done.
Well, yesterday, Nurse Sally had the MOST trouble attaching to my insides! What should've been a 1-3 minutes "clamp on/clamp off" turned into about 15 minutes!
First of all, she said she was going to use a smaller speculum because "you're small." Um...ok.... what does height have to do with the size of your cervix? What, I ask you!
So she fiddles away... clamps...unclamps... "hmmm... your cervix is posterior...it's facing away.... could you bend your legs back so your knees touch your ears" (ok - she said abdomen - but the visual is better if I use "ears" - it's all about getting the laugh)... so I bend.... "could you scooch down a little more"...so I scooch... she clamps.... insert her head into my "entrance" and shouts out "hellloooooooo in there.... anybody home???" (ok - she didn't really do that, either - but maybe if she had, it wouldn't have taken so long)....
"I see it... I can see your cervix..."
Woo f*cking hoo - and I can see the top of your gray head!
No luck. "Hmmm....maybe I'll use the longer speculum. We don't want the catheter bumping into your uterus. We need to make sure it's in the right spot."
And I need to make sure my fist is in the right spot when it meets your jaw.
So she fumbles around for the longer instrument, apologizing the hole whole time.... and starts again.
Clamp...unclamp... fiddle...faddle... no luck.
"Have you had an HSG?" (that test where they flush a dye through your ovaries and stuff to make sure you have no blockages)
"yes - had one in August. All pipes are in working condition. I've also been told I have a strong uterus. It's a great pick-up line."
"Hmmmm...." (clamp/unclamp). "Do you have fibroids?"
"No... just androids. And unless fibroids cropped up in a few days, all clean. Just had an ultrasound. Got me about 6-8 follicles. Cha ching!" (note: the higher dosage of Follistim gave me much more activity in my ovaries this month)
"Maybe it's just that your ovaries are over-stimulated."
And maybe it's just that you're drunk, Nurse Sally.
At this point, I'm ready to scream, "Just get a damn wrench and a hammer and pound the thing open! Let me do it myself! Call the janitor! I'm sure he has some tools we can use! Call my dad! He's about as handy as they come!"
Finally, after more acrobatic positions on my part (I offered to stand on my head - I don't think she found that too funny) - she has success. She and I are surgically connected via a speculum. I can read her thoughts. They're not pretty. And then she gets all 42 million paying customers on board the Cervix Express.
"You're a tough cookie, Jo."
And you're a nincompoop, Nurse Sally.
The spouse said maybe she was in the wrong hole. At this point, it wouldn't surprise me...because this round of IUI was a pain in the ass. (BUTT if it worked - it's all worth it in the 'end'
posted by Joanne @ 11:41 AM
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